How to Support Hospice, Grieving and Recovering Friends and Family

At our age, there is more to our daily lives than grandkids, and a lot of it is hard. This post on supporting hospice, grieving, and recovering friends and family is the beginning of a conversation, and your recommendations and experiences are welcome. We are all “Women Paddling North” and trying to stay on course - helping, connecting, and supporting. Like with the littles, we are active and busy, and need good creative ideas and resources for how to do it. Share away in the comments as well.

The swiftness of Covid made me finally fill out these pages on What You Need to Know In Case of my Death or Disability. The kids will know where to find all the accounts, passwords, policies, and necessary contacts all in one spot. Here’s how to set up a Medical ID on an iphone. And here are 2 smart ways to give family quick access to your accounts after you die.

End in Mind is a non-profit dedicated to helping people achieve a level of comfort and mastery with uncomfortable conversations around death and dying. They offer innumerable forms of support, including a thoughtful and inspiring podcast. They are “leading a movement to change how our culture engages with loss, dying and death by inspiring individuals, families and communities to explore their fears, then creatively encourage deeper inquiry into how to live with intention, purpose and meaning at any stage of life.” Please check out this excellent resource for reflecting on life’s purpose, meaning and legacy. The reflections are from all age groups and circumstances.

Meal Gifting

“There ain't a body, be it mouse or man, that ain't made better by a little soup.” ― Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux

A Spoonful of Comfort was started by a gal in honor of her mom, who died just six weeks after a cancer diagnosis. She wanted to be able to send loving care in a box for when she couldn’t be there. They have delicious basics, and add so many fun options to their hand-crafted boxes - like a bedside bell in their Get Well package, and Keep Going socks, etc. Soup packages are in the $79 range, but wouldn't it be more than $50 to just buy the ingredients for these delicious soups (4-6 servings)? And then add, say, $20 for your time?! Such a thoughtful gift for so many occasions, or non-occasions. There are simple tea and cookie versions as well.

Caroline Wright had just relocated to a new city with her family when she got a shocking brain cancer diagnosis. Neighbors and strangers “showed up bearing jar after jar of soup” for months. Here’s a bit about her inspiring story. The experience inspired her cookbook, Soup Club. (Yes! She’s ok!) This article includes a recipe for her delish Summer Succotash Soup. A new kickstarter new project, Seconds, includes the stories of numerous soup cooks in the process of surviving, healing, and feeding others throughout the pandemic. Stories are told through words, paintings, and photography alongside 80 vegan and gluten-free soup recipes.

Sometimes it is cathartic to bang around in the kitchen yourself. We’ve started a Comfort Food Pinterest page with favorite Chicken Soup and fancy Mac and Cheese recipes for that occasion. We welcome favorite comfort recipes in the comments as well.

Regular Meal Delivery

Sometimes someone can be at home, but just can’t cook or get meals easily. I set my handicapped brother up with this momsmeals service. He felt like he could choose things he liked, and it would all be ready and waiting for a quick microwave. We ordered every two weeks and enjoyed deciding on what looked delicious over the phone. There are so many fab meal delivery choices now!

Real Simple Magazine has since done a trial and rated 11 of the best prepared meals, comparing quality and price. This could be a real timesaver for someone with limited shopping and cooking abilities. Check out The 11 Best Prepared Meal Delivery Services for Quick-Yet-Quality Lunches and Dinners for restaurant-quality meals in minutes.

Locally (Twin Cities), Let’s Dish is another option for already prepared meals in family-sized portions (serving 3 or 6). The have several conveniently-located Express shops for easy pickup.

No-Contact Meal Train

From Becky Rapport, whose beloved son and daughter-in-law both suffered and passed away from different forms of cancer within six weeks of each other, in their late 30s. “Food really can bring a great deal of comfort. It was one thing I could do well to help Aaron and Joyce. Joyce loved to cook but often didn’t feel well enough to do so. She really appreciated having good meals every day. I always had flowers and candles on the table too. After Aaron died, one of their friends started a food train. Each day until Phil and I finally left Cambridge, dinner was waiting for us in a cooler outside our gate. We often didn’t see who had dropped off our latest delicious meal and loving note to us.”

“The best book I read about the role food can play in healing and maintaining close connections is ALL THE WILD HUNGERS: A SEASON OF COOKING AND CANCER by Karen Babine. You inherently knew the power of food and treated us so often with homemade goodies and deli dishes. Every time we came home from England (a grueling trip emotionally and physically for us), Lee had a cooler waiting for us on our porch with dinner and food for our first breakfast home. I read a book written by a local woman whose daughter died at a young age. She shared that a couple who were good friends proposed going out for dinner to a different restaurant every week for a year, a life affirming experience that kept her and her husband going.”

Taste of Home has tips for organizing a meal train. There also an actual Meal Train site with organization options for free – now boasting 51 million+ meals organized! They’ve got an online, interactive website, ways to give GrubHub gift cards and $ donation add-ons, and reminder emails. Fabulous, but I’m not sure we are far enough away from Covid yet to go that route for folks that might be immune compromised in their recovery. Worth discussing.

Treats

The kids once sent me four HUGE cookies - fresh-baked and still warm from Crumbl. Check out the website - you’ll want to eat that! The cookies are at least 4” across - lots of warm wishes included.

My friend, Judy, blames me for her addiction to chocolate Johnny Pops. I added them to ger grocery delivery when she was recovering from surgery.

Flowers and Self Care

www.etsy.com has a lot of creative gift ideas (I searched “grief gifts”) for you to consider.

rtzHope is a website offering compassion and holistic support for bereaved parents and grandparents. They have parent and grandparent self-care gift box options. Included in the grandparent box: “Healing a Grandparent’s Grieving Heart” book, Journal by Rifle Paper Co., Hand-crafted soap and washcloth by Ellie and Evangeline, Aromatherapy essential oil roller, Aromatherapy candle, and RTZ HOPE support brochures.

Unwilted.com creates beautiful crepe paper flowers and bouquets that won’t disturb a compromised patient. And they last beyond the moment! Italian crepe paper, non-toxic inks, hypoallergenic, and pollen-free. Each petal and leaf is meticulously hand-cut, painted, shaped and constructed to achieve a realistic, yet artistic look and feel.

UrbanStems.com has a cheerful, modern approach to floral arrangements and ship everywhere overnight. Using our link will save you $20 off your first order.

Sadly, the FAO Schwarz Toasties Stress Relief Bear is now only available on ebay. Maybe you can still search out this Warm Paws bear that heats up in the microwave for a warm and comforting bedtime buddy. The infused scent of lavender will help relax with a soothing sense of calm.

Cards and Books

How to Write a Letter; Find Words for Every Occasion by Chelsea Shukov and Jamie Grobecker, creators of Sugar Paper. With this book, you’ll discover how hand-writing your thoughts and feelings has the magic to turn a card, letter, or even scrap of paper into a treasure.

There is No Good Card for This; What to say and do when life is scary, awful, and unfair to people you love by Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D. and Emily McDowell. Compassion and creativity leap off these pages, helping you support anyone experiencing grief, illness, and other tough situations. How to listen and not solve the problem, with a dos and don’ts cheat sheet chapter at the end.

Again, from Becky - “Books have always brought joy as well, though I was surprised that at certain really tough times, I lost the ability to concentrate and couldn’t read. Will Schwalbe’s THE END OF YOUR LIFE BOOK CLUB is the best book about the power of reading and talking about books at the most difficult time in a person’s life. While he and his mother were involved in her cancer treatments, they read and discussed many books together, creating such meaningful and fulfilling conversations. He also wrote the also wonderful BOOKS FOR LIVING.”

“I also really enjoyed Susan Gubar’s READING AND WRITING CANCER: HOW WORDS HEAL (she writes occasional essays about dealing with cancer for The NY Times). Many people with cancer or who are caring for people they love with the disease find comfort in writing. Her tips are helpful. I loved every single one of Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s books for children and adults (her memoir TEXTBOOK was published after her cancer diagnosis). I found her Modern Love article “You May Want To Marry My Husband” (published just 10 days before her death) to be poignant, profound and of course even touched by humor. Jason Rosenthal’s memoir MY WIFE SAID YOU MAY WANT TO MARRY ME looks at their life together and how he dealt with her illness and death, but also at how he and his children were able to go forward after their tragic loss. He gives plenty of good insights into that difficult process.”

“One of the funniest books I have read about dealing with parents’ end of life issues is Roz Chast’s CAN’T WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING MORE PLEASANT? a question she constantly hear from her parents when she tries to discuss what they are going through. I have read and reread Atul Gawande’s BEING MORTAL, the best book I know about how life should be as we approach the inevitable end. So much good information about end-of-life care and living situations too.” - Becky

A few years ago, I created a line of cards for those suffering with infant loss and miscarriage that accompany this post. I knew the experience well, and knew that there is still more “loss for words” than there should be. Lately, I’ve been adding more to the encouragement and sympathy lines. This stuff is hard. It helps to know someone is thinking of you. I especially encourage cards, notes, and phone calls to those in hospice. Tell them now about the difference they made in your life. Share memories and stories now. “It is hard to forget someone who has given you so much to remember.” Tell them now. Here is an article specifically about expressing sympathy.

-Karen Ritz and Becky Rapport

This post contains some affiliate links from Bookshop as we no longer have an affiliate relationship with Amazon. Affiliate links support Grandycamp from your purchase at no cost to you. Thank you for your support.

This is the NYT Easy Chicken Soup from our Comfort Food Pinterest page. Historically, a Grandma’s answer to everything!

It only takes a few simple tools if you want to get the kids going on making crepe paper flowers. Martha has inspiration and steps for 12 different kinds of paper flowers.

Toasties Stress Relief Bear

Don’t underestimate sending hugs. Ours were made with poster paint on the back of wrapping paper and folded into a 9x12 envelope.

A great little “Cheat Sheet” from refugeingrief.com

Grief arrives both before and after. I thought this free 30-minute Grief Yoga was a comforting and supportive reset - someone who “has your back” at any hour.

Becky mentioned giving a membership to a grieving family for our local Minnesota Landscape Arboretum, knowing how the healing powers of nature helped her. You might find something similar near you.

This is a part of a viral internet post with simple caring after a friend’s miscarriage. Often simple means a lot! Click to see their exchange.